Last time I talked about the facts behind PPD (postpartum depression) Now its my time to vent and get out all of my feelings. My blog after all, I get to do stuff like there- it's why I have it!
I feel like you already know this but in case I get someone new around here who freaks out. Please don't. I LOVE my children more than anything, they are my world. I would never hurt them or neglect them. Anything I say here is spoken out of sheer exhaustion and desperation. I may not want to be a mom right now but I am doing it anyway. They are still fed, bathed, cuddled, kissed, rocked, and loved on every single day.
Right now is probably the worst its ever been. This isnt my first rodeo so I know what to compare it too. I got PPD when I was about 34 weeks pregnant with Ryan (my first, now 3 years old) I talked to my doctor and he perscribed 20 mgs of Zoloft to take once a day. It is the lowest dose and it actually worked! After Ryan was born I was at my 2 week post C section appointment and I asked them to up my dosage because I knew it wasnt going to be enough. He cried non stop and never slept. He had GERD and no one knew for the first 3 months. It was hell. I had luck and God on my side. I wasnt working and could lay in bed and nurse him all day every day. We lived with my in laws so I didnt have a full house to maintain alone. And it was summer so we went on 2 walks every single day. I got through it.
Flash forward to today. My second baby is 6 months old. When I found out I was pregnant with him I stopped taking my medication (xanax and welbutrin) because of the increased risks of birth defects (none of which they knew about 2 years prior when I was pregs with Ryan!). I prayed and prayed that God would carry me through- I was okay until my 3rd trimester. I was was always hoping that I would go early and when that didnt happen I just got more and more depressed. Then the second I saw my baby boy all of that went away. It was my first vaginal birth and I experienced a maternal high like no other. That high has lasted a while! Weston is a very easy and happy baby, Ryan was loving being a big brother. Things were hunky dory all around the board.
Something happened around 4.5 months postpartum. I could feel myself slipping. I dont want to get out of bed and when I do I pray I get to take an afternoon nap (thats not happening ryan doesnt nap anymore) I cant sleep at night and am up til at least 1am. Its a nasty cycle. I dont want my kids to climb on me, I dont want to be touched. I have no desire to get dolled up and I am lucky if my hair makes it out of the messy but I slept in the night before. I am even starting to leave the house looking like I just rolled out of bed. I am up 15 pounds from my pre baby weight, all of which I had previously lost, and none of my clothes fit- I cry every day when I am in my closet. Right now I am wearing yoga pants and a maternity t shirt. I dont cook we eat out most of the time which isnt the best on the wallet.
The constant mess of life that manifests itself in my house is driving me nuts- literally. My OCD is just running wild because I want it to be white glove clean every second of the day. I want every nook and cranny to be organized and with purpose. It is not happening people and I have panic attacks every other day or so.
I just feel like a crazy person. I love my kids so much but I dont want to do this. I want to take a nice long vacation, skype them every day, and then come home when I am whole again. I cry, I yell, I pick fights. This is not me, I miss being me.
I am exercising, drinking lots of water, eating healthy- I still have to consume around 3,000 calories a day to make any breast milk and getting lots of sun and fresh air. I am going to start taking vitamins soon. I have to work up to it because they make me throw up (advice?) It is so hard because if I wanted all of it to go away I could stop breastfeeding and take Xanax again but I dont want too. I LOVE breastfeeding, surprise surprise huh. It would kill me to stop. I love the endorphin's it releases and the fact that I am forced to sit down in peace and quiet and enjoy my baby every few hours. Without that I would be worse- even on medication.
So this has been sitting in my drafts for a week and I cant write anymore. I dont know what else to say right now so I will publish and come back to it later. Thanks everyone!